A Sermon

Living Sacrifices

Text: Romans 12:1-2: “(1)Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer yourselves as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – This is your spiritual act of worship. (2)Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

God is not a magic eight-ball. We can’t shake him around and demand he give us an answer. Sometimes when he does give us an answer it’s “reply hazy, try again” or “ask again later”. I find that rarely do I get a resounding YES or even a definitive NO. How do we know what God’s will is? Who do we marry? What should we do for a career? What college should I go to? The truth is that it is very hard to discern God’s will in our every day decision making. Now, I am not saying that this means we can’t guesstimate that God wouldn’t want us to steal or have sex outside of marriage, but there are so many gray areas the bible does not answer, so many decisions we have to make. What is the world does God want?!?

Today we are going to understand how to get a better grasp on God’s will. Let’s look at Romans 12:1-2. (Read passage). Okay, so what in the world did that mean? Transform your mind? Living sacrifices? Let’s look at this backwards because I believe the answer will show itself better this way. Take a look at verse one. “Therefore…” Now, therefore means “because of this then” or “In light of that…” We need to turn back to see what he’s thereforeing about. In Romans 11:34 Paul, who is writing this letter says, “Who has the mind of the Lord?” Paul is getting across here that no one knows exactly what the Lord wants, and no one is in tune with God’s mind. Therefore we must do what he’s about to tell us to get even close to that. Wouldn’t it be nice to know exactly what God wanted you to do? Let me tell you right now, I don’t think we will get there on this earth, but we can get closer every day, and wouldn’t that be nice? A little less anxiety and hesitation?

Look at the middle of verse two “But be transformed by the renewing of your mind” I wonder if this ever happens to you… I have a radio in my kitchen, and I will tune it so the station I want is coming out so clear and perfect. It’s just right. Then, I’ll go across the kitchen to do the dishes and it will get so fuzzy I can’t even decipher the words anymore, so I’ll walk back over there and it will come through crystal clear again, so I’ll try to tune it a little off so that when I walk across the room it will be clear, but that never works, so I’m stuck with a fuzzy radio unless I’m right next to it.

The world knows that we are out of tune. It realized our minds are messed up. Many philosophies and religions claim that if we could just think differently and not desire anything for instance (as in Buddhism), if we could just tune ourselves to the harmony of nature (as in Taoism) we could be happy and live renewed lives. God says we need to change our minds too, but not to think in a different worldly way. We need to think more like God. We need to be in tune with God. Our minds to be transformed and renewed. Not only do we need different minds, but we need new minds all together! 2 Corinthians 4:16 says “Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” God can and will renew our minds. We can never be perfect here on earth, but should be slowly getting more and more perfect every day.

How do we transform and renew? The beginning of verse two says by not “Conforming to the pattern of this world” Now when the bible uses “world” here it really means “current age”, or the “current way things are done.” Do you ever notice that when your friend says something you don’t agree with you might make your opinion sound a little more close to theirs? I did that all the time when I was a teenager. I cared about how I looked to other people, what they thought of me, and I did all sorts of things I didn’t really like or that wasn’t really me to fit in with them. When the bible reads “Don’t conform to the pattern” it also means “Don’t conform to a mold”. We don’t want to change ourselves to fit into whatever the world is doing. The world has always been contrary to what God wants for us. Paul wrote this to the church in Rome 2000 years ago! The world back then was filled with idolatry, sexual immorality, drunkenness and countless other sins, and the people of the church then had to not conform to it, just as we have to not conform now. Be a non conformist! Be your own person, be the person God wants you to be.

Now, this does not mean you have to stop doing anything that does not involve going to church. It is perfectly fine to go to the movies, play basketball, watch Heroes, or anything else you like to do that is not in direct opposition to proper Christian conduct. What do I mean by that? It is not okay for you to have sex before you are married, to steal, to lie, to gossip, to do drugs, to get drunk, and a whole list of other things I’m sure you can recognize as sins. However, it is not a sin, to enjoy non-church related activities. You do not need to lead a boring life of constant prayer to transform your mind and be a non-conformist. Exercise your conscious and think, would I be proud if my parents walked up right now and saw what I was doing? Would I be proud if Jesus saw me? If you feel uneasy, you may have to rethink your actions.

Okay, so we’re renewing our minds by not conforming to the pattern of this world. There is one more step to help with this non-conformist process. Verse one tells us to “offer our bodes as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship” First off, we need to offer to be living sacrifices. We have to want to be in a relationship with God. If you think you are a Christian just because your parents are or because you are dragged to church every Sunday, you are wrong. You are only a Christian if you love Jesus and have a genuine relationship with him. That doesn’t mean that when things suck you go running to him, or that you check in with him twice a year on Christmas and Easter. That means an ongoing relationship with him just like you have a relationship with anyone else in your life.

What about the sacrifice part though? That sounds really scary. In the Old Testament times, the Isrealites or the Jews offered sacrifices to God, usually an animal or some grain. This was to say, “I’m sorry for any willful sin that I’ve done.” It showed God that we were truly sorry, and wanted to move on and get back into a right relationship with him. When Christ died and was resurrected he became the last sacrifice. He is now the way we say “Sorry” to God, and start over. So if our bodies are living sacrifices we need to understand that part of being in relationship with God is coming to him with our mistakes. We need to repent and truly mean that we want to try again and do better. We need to be living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. To be “holy” means to be set apart. We need to be set apart from sin, set apart from the world so that we can be pleasing to God. Lastly, this whole process is our “spiritual act of worship” Here the bible means “a ministry”, or “a service to God”. This is how we pay him back for taking away our sins, and also how we minister to others. If other people see that we are set apart and holy, then they will wonder what it is and perhaps start seeking for what we have which is a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Okay, so we need to be living sacrifices by being holy and set apart, not conformed to this world. As we do this, our minds will be renewed so we can see how God wanted us to see. Remember the radio? When we are away from God, we can’t hear him properly, and there is nothing we can do to adjust it, so that we can be away from him and still hear his voice. We need to be in a relationship with him to be in tune with him, and we do that by living as sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God.

The Homeless

Yesterday, I passed another homless man on the street, while driving in my nice new Kia. I had just received 5 bucks from a book a sold, and I was compelled to give it to this man, so I rolled down my window and handed him the 5 dollar bill. His hands were absolutley filthy and he began telling me about people in the sky and some other nonsense, so I just smiled and nodded because I was sure he was schizophrenic. The light changed and he said good-bye to me. I turned the corner and saw another man dancing as he walked down the street. The violation of social norm led me to wonder if this man too, was schizophrenic, and this led me to a thought.

Firstly, I am in the process of creating a myspace page with my boyfriend called The Absolute Love Project. It is a site where people can ask theological questions, find resources and read our testimonies. It has long been a dream of mine, for the Absolute Love Project to expand into a non-profit organization. My first expansion is simple, and I hope to turn into a movement, the other will take some time.

I want to have a stockpile of 5 dollar bills in my car at all times. Everytime I pass a homeless person on the street with a sign, I will hand them one of these bills in an envelope, but the envelope will also contain a short letter. The letter (which I have yet to write) will basically tell them that God loves them, I hope they use this money for food, and will be a short synopsis of my story and the story of Jesus. In this way, no matter whether they read the letter or not, I am helping them, but if they chose, they can also recieve the gospel. I find too often that help for others in contingent on whether we have shared the gospel with them or not. I was outraged as a teenager (and a non-christian) that missionaries would only give aid in return for help in building their churches. Why should help not be free? Jesus never asked anything in return for his miracles. In this way, the homeless person gets help regardless of whether they are interested in what I have to say. I hope that I can start a movement where all people do this on behalf of the Absolute Love Project which operates on behalf of Christ.

Secondly, seeing these two men on the street reminded me of the greater picture. 1/3 of all homeless people are Schizophrenic. They have no way to recieve medication or phychiatric treatment. Here I am driving in my nice car, myself having a mental disorder (which for a minute plagued me with OCD thoughts about the man's filthy hands). However, I am lucky enough to have been given free counseling while at Western, to have afforded medication (which I am now off of) and to have been provided with a wonderful Christian counselor that lets me pay her next to nothing. I am lucky to have been able to have all that, but these men, have a condition far worse than OCD. They have such a hard time distinguishing reality that often times they slip further and further into disability so that they cannot hold a job or take care of themselves. They are stuck homeless, thereafter, and not only that, but are plagued by the ills of their mind.

One day I want the Absolute Love Project to be able to give a scholarship of sorts to homeless schizophrenics to pay for medications, stays in state or private hospitals and ongoing therapy. No one thinks twice about helping someone with medical conditions we can see, but illnesses of the mind can be far worse, but no one helps them. If they had care, they could hold a job and get off the streets (if they accept the help that is). The homeless shelters would not be overrun. This is my dream, and I pray they God brings people into my life that can help me to do this because it seems so big, so daunting that I have no idea how I would go about it. One day. One day.

Friends

Why is friendship so hard for some people? Yes, relationships are hard for many reasons, but sometimes dissention is just stupid. Instead of acting hostile because we are hurt, why do we not talk about it? I am very sure that most difficulties with other people happens over misunderstandings and different perspectives. People aren't mind readers. No one knows that something they said or did struck a nerve in you unless you tell them. Unfortunatley, not all people care if you say, hey, you pissed me off when you... Why are we so defensive? Everyone pisses someone off at some point in time. Instead, we should remember we are human and repent to our friend, or at least apologize that they feel that way. Take these times to re-evaluate how we treat others and our actions. In the end, I am really annoyed with immature, I don't want to be your friend cause I'm hurt and you pissed me off. Yes, there are toxic friendships, but when you have bent over backwards for someone, stuck by them through thick and thin, and they say they don't want to be your friend because you told them that they are rude sometimes is a little silly. I know, I went into a personal situation, and I don't mean for this blog to be all about private matters, but my point is that friendships are hard, and there is a lot of needless pain and dissension simply because people cannot communicate, or tell the truth. I wish people would not ignore me if they were upset with me, or were afraid they would hurt me. I'm a big girl, I can handle it, and I can talk through a problem calmly (most of the time). Let's respect one another, lets use the law of love Paul describes in Romans 14 and 15.

A Theological Thought on Passover

God gave the Israelites the Law of Moses way back when. This was the way to have a relationship with God, through sacrifice and adhering to the law. When Jesus came he said he did not come to destroy the law, but to fulfill it. He fulfilled it by becoming the ultimate sacrifice. Animal sacrifices were not sufficent enough to cover our sins, so we had to keep doing them, but Jesus, he was more than enough. Perhpaps, in the same way, Jesus fulfilled the Passover. Passover is a Jewish holiday that commemorates God leading Israel out of slavery in Egypt after the 10 plagues in Exodus. (It's called passover cause death passed over the Hebrews' first borns, but not the Egyptians). Part of celebrating passover involves the passover meal, or the Seder. Originally, a special lamb was supposed to be sacrified. Jesus's last meal was the Seder. The last Seder we would ever have to do for Jesus became the ultimate passover lamb. He freed us from slavery to the law. We take communion to remember that passover is no longer necessary! The sacrificial system is over cause Jesus fulfilled it. The Jews were freed from Egypt, but the world was freed from sin. I'm not saying if you want to celebrate Passover, you shouldn't. I'm only saying that God took his plan for that holiday so much further, and I think that's really cool.

In Addendum, Thinking about communion, why is it communal? Why do we only "do this in remembrance" of Jesus in church? I can see why Catholics see the need as the priest must bless it and then it transubstatiates and all that, but as Protestants why do we? We know it is still bread and juice (or wine). The point of communion is what it represents, so why not see representations of Christ's sacrifice in everything I eat? Why would it be nothing other than wonderful to say this pepsi is his blood spilled for me or these tacos are his body? The very reason I am able to live and drink and eat at all is because of him! I think every supper should be the Lord's supper. That's the "grace" we should say over our meals. Just a thought.

Theologians

So I'm not really enjoying my systematic theology class, and I should, but here's why I'm not enjoying it: arrogance. All these books I'm reading are so dense, and thick and half the time I have no idea what I'm reading that its enough to drive me crazy. If theology is supposed to in the end be evangalistic, and you're writing these words for other people, why would you write something no one can understand unless they've read it 15 times?? I rather like C.S. Lewis because he is readable. I'll admit some of his books like "The Great Divorce" and "The Screwtape Letters" are a little less readable than Mere Christianity, and even that is not a frolic in the park. However, I can understand what he's saying. He takes time to explain things in many differnt ways and if he's going to use a foreign term he explains what it means. If you thought Christianity in itself had a lot of jargon, wait until you delve into theology. There are so many terms and words that no one ever bothers to explain (even my teacher told us to get a theological dictionary cause he was not stopping to define terms). I consider myself an intelligent girl capable of intelligent thought, but these pompous theologians need to write so that others can understand them. If you have the time, I would suggest reading Helmut Thielicke's "A Little Exercise for Young Theologians". Its less than 50 pages, but it talks about this very thing. How as theologians we get all puffed up, use big fancy terms, and try to feel superior through it. Theology is about glorifying God, and God can only be glorified if others can understand you. *sigh*

Hoobastank - Same Direction

Like "Judith" by A Perfect Circle, this is another song that I feel I have something to say about. Once again the lyrics are in bold and my comments are not bold.

"Same Direction" By Hoobastank

Whenever I step outside, somebody claims to see the light.
It seems to me that all of us have lost our patience.
'Cause everyone thinks they're right, and nobody thinks that there just might
be more than one road to our final destination.

Now, I agree, many or even all religions claim to have the way, the truth and the light. This is what makes it so difficult to decipher what is true and what is fallacy. However, truth is not relative. To even have the concept of truth means that such a thing exists. So we have two options here. Either no religions are right or one religion is right and the others that contradict are wrong. There may be some truth or goodness in each religion, but I beleive there is one true religion and one true God. I beleive this for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, what has been revealed to me in my heart and in my life through personal experience and unexplainable events. I know God exists because of the ways he spoken to me and the things he has done in my life that can only be explained through him. Secondly, unlike other religions there is a large amount of evidence for a) a creator, b) the existance of Jesus Christ and c) The divinity of Jesus Christ. Now, if Chrisianity is indeed true, that means that all other religions that contradict it are infact false. Jesus said "I am the way, the truth and the Light." For some references to the evidence of Christianity and Christ I recommend the following books:

The Case for Christ, The Case for a Creator and The Case for Faith all by Lee Strobel

More Than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

Might I add, all three of these men were at one time Atheists who turned to God through logic and evidence. Yes, I may sound like just another person saying I have the truth, but I have reasons for saying so. I would encourage others to explore the evidence for themselves. The answers may suprise them.

But I'm not ever going to know if I'm right or wrong

It is true, that no one can be 100% sure if they are right or wrong until they die and see what is on the other side. This is where faith comes in. I beleive it was Pascal that said to an atheist, "If I'm wrong, I lose nothing. If you're wrong, you lose everything." Essentially, just because you beleive there is no way to know absolute truth or know if you indeed have the truth is not an excuse to not find it! I mean, that's just malarky. It's an excuse. If there was truth out there, wouldn't you want to find it? Wouldn't you think it was the most important thing you could know? Especially if your fate depended on it. At the very least you know that one religion claims if you do not profess it there are consequences, wouldn't you at least want to see if those claims are warranted and not just another tactic at earning adherents?

'cause we're all going in the same direction.

No, I'm afraid we are not all going in the same direction. Some of us are heading off to truth and some to fallacy. Some of us are heading to eternal life or to death. The only way we can all be heading in the same direction is if no religions are true and life ends in nothingness. I'm not willing to bet this is the case. It's too risky to do so. Besides, if that is all there is, what have I lost through having religion here on earth? Psychologists agree that religiousity acts as a buffer against adverse effects of the world.

And I'm not sure which way to go because all along
we've been going in the same direction.

Again, we are not all going in the same direction. A lot of people don't know where they are going, but I urge them to figure it out.

I'm tired of playing games, of looking for someone else to blame
for all the holes in answers that are clearly showing,
for something to fill the space. Was all of the time I spent a waste,
'Cause so many choices point the same way I was going?

I agree, let's stop playing games. This is your life. Your life. It's the most important thing you have. When I was younger I saw many "holes" in Christianity. I still remember the year I went to Camp Burton, a christian camp and was determined to undermine them, and refute their claims and expose them. I attacked Kyle Plett. I attacked him with accusations. I questioned the validity of Christianity, and ever claim I made, every attack I gave he refuted. I left that conversation feeling confused. That was a turning point for me. Slowly I began to see these "holes" were not holes at all. Once again, when you look at the evidence the holes dissapear.

(Chorus)

So why does there only have to be one correct philosophy?

Because there is truth. Truth exists, and all religions cannot be equally valid or true. They contradict each other. The very idea is preposterous. This leaves us with the conundrum of figuring out which one is correct. This does not mean sticking for the one that we like or feels comfortable, but the one that is correct, whether it be comfortable or not. "If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end. If you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth - only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair." - C.S. Lewis "Mere Christianity"

I don't want to go and follow you just to end up like one of them.

I fought against being "one of them" too. Ironically, it was seeing people at camp so in love with God and feeling something I could not experience that prompted me to figure out the truth for myself, and I did and now I have what they had. I thought Christians were bigots, thought they were uneducated, thought they were boring. Now I am a Christian and I am not a bigot, I am not uneducated and I am not boring. Becoming a Christian does not mean surrendering who you are. You will change, God will change you, but the end result will be better than you ever expected. If I had to pick who I used to be and who I am now, I would definitley pick now. I am "one of them" I guess, but it's really not as bas as I imagined. At all.

And why are you always telling me what you want me to beleive?

Christians do not do this to be arrogant. We do not do it to be rude or overbearing. We do not intend to be intolerant. Here's is the thing: we beleive your life is on the line. We beleive that if you do not find the truth and you meet God you cannot be pardoned. You must accept the pardon that has been given to you. This pardon is for the sinful nature we all possess. All have sinned, Christians included, and we all are in a debt that cannot be repaid by good works. Your efforts at being a good person are worthless. We are all deserving of hell. Everyone. The only way we can be saved is if someone pays our debt. Jesus did this, he paid our debt. It's not important how it worked, but that it worked. However, we must accept the pardon that is waiting for each and every one of us. We do this by professing that Jesus Christ is our personal savior and beginning a relationship with God. Christians spread the gospel, evangalize, what have you because we love you. If you saw a person drowning would you not be inclined to at least try and save them? So it is with us, we love you. Please know, even if in the end you don't believe Christianity, please understand that our intentions are of good merit. We love you, and we want you to be safe and to know God. We want others to know the true happiness and unconditional love we know. This is why. It is out of love.

I'd like to think that I can go my own way and meet you in the end.
Go my own way and meet you in the end.

Again, if there is truth, then you cannot go against that truth. We cannot make up our own ways to solve math problems. We will still get the wrong answers. If a man does not beleive in gravity and walks off a bridge, he still falls and dies because gravity's existance is not affected by his beleif or disbelief in it. The truth is that there is a law and a circumstance in this world that we cannot escape. Ignoring it will not make it go away, we are still subject to it. I encourage people to take their own spiritual journeys. It is important that we search for God in the way that will lead to our own faith and not someone else's, but it is more important that we come to the correct conclusion. We should all keep striving to make sure beyond a reasonable doubt that we are correct. You cannot go your own way. You must have God. He can not be cut out of the equation.

A Perfect Circle - Judith

I really like the sound of this song, I like how A Perfect Circle sounds, but I really cannot condone these lyics, and they sort of break my heart. I thought I should respond to it. The Lyrics are bold, and what I am saying is not bold.

"Judith"
By A Perfect Circle


You're such an inspiration for the ways
That I'll never ever choose to be

there was a time I would have agreed with this. When I was younger I looked at the things about the church I didn't like. I thought I could never be like those "Christians" I didn't want to be boring. I thought the tithing (passing around the bucket for money) was awful. I thought they were just trying to make money. Now I see, especially since the church I went to in Seattle couldn't even afford to pay the pastor, that this was not the case. I agree, some televangalists are a bit questionable, but your everyday churches are not making money. It's just a ridiculous accusation. Another thing that I remember upsetting me was reading this article is I think it was "Christian Reader" about how this pastor "got through to the goths". At this point, I considered myself gothic and so it really offended me and I thought it was so stupid, but now I see that USUALLY what comes along with being a true "goth" is drugs and depression. The article was a bit ignorant, but it doesn't bug me so much anymore. As far as Christians being boring - okay so I don't drink, I don't make out with random boys. Those things were not good for me, and I don't miss them (Well, okay, sometimes I wish I could just make out honestly) but for the most part I don't want to do those things anymore. Besides I have way more fun now that isn't detrimental now then I ever did before. I mean, come on, I wouldn't consider myself a boring person. Would any of you see me that way. So I would say now that upright Christians are the inspiration for what I want to be, and I hope to be an inspiration for others.

Oh so many ways for me to show you
How the savior has abandoned you

this is part of my testimony, but there was a time I felt that God had abandoned me. All of this stuff kept coming at me I couldn't control. I was cutting, drinking, smoking, doing anything to nullify the pain. I was lost, alone, desolate. I figured God was just passing me by. Letting it happen to me. I told myself he didn't love me. It was the worst feeling ever. This is what I know now. God never once abandoned me. I can see times in my life when I flat out denied him that he was protecting me, carrying me, and when I did call out to him, he did come and reveal himself. He never once abandoned me, and he never has abandoned you. We have abandoned him, and how I felt thinking he had done that to me, is how we feels as we abandon him. He loves you, he loves us all, and he is waiting for us to reach for him. These lines are lies. God has never abandoned us. Ever.

F*ck your God
Your Lord and your Christ
He did this
Took all you had and
Left you this way
Still you pray, you never stray
Never taste of the fruit
You never thought to question why

I have had a lot of crappy things happen to me. Pain I never deserved. Pain no one deserved. I entered adolescene very broken and was only broken more. Many times I screamed out asking God why he was doing this to me? Why did he allow it? I blamed him, I hated him. I called him a "sick f**k". I thought he was sadistic and I told him I hated him. In my heart I meant it. I truly beleived in my heart that he had done this to me, and now I see this wasn't true either. God gave us free will. Unfortunatley we get hurt through it. God does not always allow things to happen, we should stop blaming everything bad on him. God was watching out for me. Sin did those things to me. Not God. This may be a hard concept for a non-christian to grasp, but it is true. Besides, the worst thing that has ever happened to me God changed into the most wonderful thing. It is quite personal, but I am not opposed to telling those who ask, however I don't feel comfortable posting it on here. My point is that God is not doing anything bad to anyone. Stop blaming him. Furthermore, since I have become a Christian it hasn't been all roses and sunshine. This is still a sinful world I live in and I hurt myself, as well am hurt by others. I posted that I was afraid of the pain that was coming in my livejournal once, and someone anonymously asked, "Where's your God now?" He was there with me. Waiting for me to pray and draw near to him so he could comfort me. This past year was the hardest yet since becoming a Christian, but I got though it with no cutting, no drinking, nothing of that sort. I got through it by blessing God's name and leaning on him. He carried me though it, and I was able to cry when I needed to cry and laugh at other times. For the most part, I would say I was still happy and he protected me from depression. My faith is not blind. I have questioned. It was attacked this year and even in spiritual sickness, the Lord took care of me.

It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you
Broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you
He did it all for you

I did kill someone. I killed Jesus. Every sin I've ever commited is a thorn in his brow, a nail in his hand. It was because of my sins that he died. All of our sins hung him on that cross, but we are forgiven. In Christ we are made righteous again. So it doesn't matter what sins I've commited (not to say we shouldn't sin). I'm forgiven. However, even small sins are as big a trespass against God as murder. They are still hurtful to us and the Lord. So I will praise the one who stuck by my side. The one who picked me up and healed me. He did it for me, that's right. Christ could have left us in desolation, he could have left us with no hope to heal our sins, but he didn't. Because he loved us he chose to bear that shame himself.

Oh so many many ways for me to show you
How your dogma has abandoned you
Pray to your Christ, to your god
Never taste of the fruit
Never stray, never break
Never---choke on a lie
Even though he's the one who did this to you
You never thought to question why

I don't know where this is coming from, but my dogma has not abandoned me. I think he thinks that Christians don't sin and don't doubt and don't stray. That is not true. That is lie he is choking on. I sin daily now and I always will. The only difference is that I sin less and less as I become closer and closer to Christ, the only difference is that I am forgiven for the ones I've commited thus far and will commit in the future. I do doubt. Last year was an extreme period of spiritual sickness and doubt for me. My faith was heavily attacked and I strayed. I messed up a lot, and created a huge mess I can't clean up on my own. A mess that tears me up inside because of how it has affected others, but the only lie I ever choked on was that God wasn't there, didn't care, and couldn't clean up my mess.

Not like you killed someone
It's Not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side
Talk to Jesus Christ
As if he knows the reasons why
He did it all for you
Did it all for you
He did it all for you

This song really breaks my heart. I wonder why this man feels this way? What happened to him to make him so angry at God? What lies has he been told? I want to diasabuse him of it all. I want to show him the misconceptions he holds. One time when I was working at kinkos someone had brought in a cd jacket to be copied. It had lyrics in them and one was talking about God had stabbed him in the back and it broke my heart. I know the feeling, I know the midset, but it simply isn't true. It's hard to explain fully, but I'm saying that God has plans not to harm you, but to give you a purpose, a future and all of his love (somewhere in Jeremiah is this verse that I paraphrased). God has never abandoned or stabbed in the back. These are things he has done to us. The truth is that there is another entitiy that hates us and will stab us in the back, and that entity is Satan, but God is stronger than Satan and he will be defeated, and under God's protection he cannot penetrate so easily, but you must ask for that protection, you must keep your own guard up. God is not the ememy, Satan and sin are. Please know that God loves you and this whole song is a sad lie.

exercise

I worked out yesterday for the first time in like 6 months. I was doing really good last summer, going to the gym every day, and then I went back to school, got busy and got lazy. I did some leg exercises and I ran. I ran for 12 minutes. Now, I used to not be able to run for 5, and the most I could do last summer was 10. I just wanted to keep going. I wanted to know that I could do it. My right knee was locking up and by the end I was limp running, and my knee is why I stopped, I could have kept running, but man it felt good to accomplish that goal. Now my legs are just really really sore.

umm......

This is the most ridiculous logic I've ever heard. I am not directly quoting, but this is what this guy from skeptic magazine said:

"Miracles are by definition a one time event that cannot be repeated. In science we find out things are real by repeating them in experiments. Miracles cannot be repeated and are therefore not real."


Again that's my memory of what he said in the few minutes since I heard him say it, but that was his logic. Okay, that makes no sense. Because something can't be repeated doesn't mean its not real. Memories cannot be repeated, does that mean they aren't real? November 21, 1913 cannot be repeated, does that mean it didn't happen? Does anyone see the logic in this?

In Addendum

I think I should take a page out of Chris' book and do 10 of some exercise I don't like, like *disgusted voice* lunges.... ewww.... every time I judge someone or pick at a scab. I find myself judging others way more than I should and I want to wean myself of that behavior, and picking my scabs in a really bad habit that makes me look like I'm diseased when really I just have month old mosquito bites cause I can't leave them alone! Well, I'm off to watch a movie, maybe a girly one cause I'm in a soppy (thanks Chris for your australian words) mood.

Friends

This was an emo blog about how I feel like I don't have close friends and I never have, but this blog is not going to be where a whine and complain about the bad things in my life. Afterall I am luckier than a lot of other people. At least I even have some sort of friends. So since I can't delete this blog (unless someone can tell me how) I will just explain why it is blank.

Love

I feel like I have far too much love to give. I was at work today with the foster kids I work with. I realize that even though I have worked there for only a month, I really do love all those kids. I have this extreme need to show them the love they haven't received. I want to take them in my arms and cradle them. I want to tell them they are safe. I want to protect them. I find more and more I have this mother hen streak in me. One of the kids has a problems with "accidents" so he has to wear pull ups. We went swimming today and we didn't have a swim pull up, so he couldn't swim. Another older kid told him that he just needed to work on his "problem" and what was he gonna do when he got older and wanted a girlfriend. I told him to stop scolding him because that "problem" couldn't really be helped. More so, it touched a nerve in me. Not to long ago, one of my friends said I could never go to France because I wouldn't be able to eat. That really hurt me. It was saying to me, that I had control over my struggle, and that I could turn it off if I wanted to, but chose not to. I felt like this is what the older kid was saying to the other. That he could stop having accidents if he wanted, and it made me feel very protective because I could see the shame in his face. Maybe it's because I feel I didn't have anyone to protect me, so I feel I must protect others. Before we went to the pool we stopped at a playground at the high school I went to. Two college girls were sitting on the ground, and as we passed I smelled cigarette smoke. I wanted to yell at them for doing that in a public place where children go. Later as we got gas some guy came up blasting rap music and that made me mad that he was blasting music that was most likely inappropriate where children could hear. I suppose since I had so many bad things happen to me as a child and I lived in such a gray world of sin, I want to protect these kids so that they don't have to grow up like that. I long to protect all children and people from Satan. I feel I would give my very life to free the lost. I am afraid of death, but if a gunman came into my work and threatened those kids, I know I would protect them with all I had. I feel like the mother of the world, wanting to take away everyone's pain and protect them. Perhaps I am too compassionate for my own good. I guess I just have too much love to give.

The First New Blog

So I was reading Hebrews last week and I came across this passage that confuses me. This is what is says:

"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."

-Hebrews 6:4-6

So what does this mean? Does this mean you can lose your salvation? I was always one who believed that you could repent of anything, except the unforgivable sin Jesus mentions which I read to be blaspheming against the Holy Spirit. I always thought no matter how far you fell, that God would be there to take you back again. This passage makes it seem that that is not so, that you CAN lose your salvation. If you can, what is "falling away", how far must you fall, is it only those who apostate, or do those who have doubt issues also fall under this stipulation. The idea that Salvation can be lost does frighten me. I wonder if my "I hate God" phase counted, but then I don't believe I was saved before that, so therefore I hadn't tasted the glory of heaven or all that other stuff. Still, I'm not sure if I'm interpreting this right. I hope its not saying what i think it is, but really I just want to know the truth of God. Any input?

Foster Families

Foster kids: They've had a rough go. They have either been abused or they have a family they can't depend on. Already my heart goes out to them. So young and so broken already. Foster homes are supposed to be a safe place where they can get love, support and where they can heal. Unfortunately some people make things worse. So I work with foster kids. The other day we got a new kid. His profile looked great. No problems with lying, no problems with swearing or stealing, so why did the foster home want to get rid of him? Cause he wet the bed! So what? Kids wet the bed, and just because you can get rid of him, you will? That's the way you treat an animal that pees all over the place, not a sweet little boy! If you want to take on the roll of a foster parent, you can't expect the perfect child. In fact, if bed wetting is the only problem, you do have a near perfect child. So if that isn't enough to give me such indignance, I just heard on the news that this guy who had foster girls in his home sexually abused them and exposed them to alcohol. These girls have already had a hard life and this jerk had to give them more trauma??? Makes me so freaking pissed off, I just want to to take care of all of the children in foster care myself. I know that even one I took in could be saved from a potentially bad environment. We really need to watch who we let become foster parents. More decent people need to do it, so the government can be more selective. I pray for all these children. It makes me so freaking mad!!!

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The Beginning of the end (written 1/12/07)

This blog will be heavy. I have a confession to make to all of you. I have lied to all of you in some fashion. I didn't realize until now that it was quite a lie, and I do apologize, but let me explain.

Since I was a child, I have been petrified of dying. I wouldn't let anyone say the word around me. Similarily the idea of eternity, the concept of it never ending has frightened me so bad from childhood that to this day I can not think of it in such depth without having an all out crying, feeling faint panic attack.

Junior year of highschool Dustin Rakestraw, a fellow classmate was killed by a gun. Shot in the head accidently. I went to his funeral, I saw his body, and the image haunted me. Suddenly I was rendered helpless to fear. I had never been too afraid of my allergy. I ate things without looking to see what was in them, I didn't even carry an epi-pen. All of a sudden I couldn't eat anything. I was afraid I would be allergic to it, even if I'd eaten it a million times. Having a boyfriend who's family cooked all chinese food didn't help. I couldn't eat. I had frequent panic attacks.

I lost 9 pounds.....

I was afraid of getting accidently poisoned. I hated being near chemicals, I hated touching surfaces windex had just been on. I washed my hands constantly.

I hit rock bottom. I had eaten chicken strips I'd brought home from a resturant (food I'd had a million times). I didn't finish them at the resturant cause I saw an old woman who was moving very slowly. My cat has died mysteriously the same week and had moved very slowly because he was so sick. The greif made me ill, and so I took them home, but when I went to eat them, I thought they "smelled funny" so I had a panic attack, my throat felt tight, I was convinced it was closing. My parents drove me to the hospital. When I got there they saw I was just fine. The doctor figured out it was a panic attack and offered my xanax. I declined, but I went back to my psychiatrist and went on the meds I had taken for the depression I had already beat. Apparently it treated OCD as well. I hated going back on the meds, but I didn't know what else to do.

I got well enough to eat again, but I panic attacks were still a part of my life. I got better over the course of a year, but not to the way I was before. In May of 2005 I went off the meds and stopped seeing my psychiatrist. I was doing so much better. I came up here and I survived in the dining hall which is very hard with someone with allergies. However here is where the lying comes in. I have to this day not been able to try new foods. I am still apprehensive. I don't not like fish. I in reality haven't had much. I'm afraid I'm allergic to seafood. I don't not like chinese food. While it is true I didn't like the few things I tried at my ex-boyfriend's house, I really haven't had a lot, but it really scares me. I am picky, but I am also scared to try new places. This is why I get pasta with no sauce, why I won't take food offered to me, why I order the same thing at resturants. I am scared. I am sorry, I realize that these were lies. I didn't see them as lies when I told them, but they weren't whole truths. I am sorry.

I thought I was doing better, and I was. But last quarter I fell again. I had my first big panic attack at fall retreat. Right next to Jeff, Woody and Nate and they didn't even know. I don't eat lasagna cause I know people can put allergens in it. I can't believe someone if they say no, it has nothing in it. So I just had salad and bread (probably saying I wasn't hungry, another lie, and I'm sorry) The bread had brown stuff on it that I thought was cinnamon, but it tasted nothing like that, so I freaked out wondering what it was.

I'm good at hiding panic attacks. The fear creeps up my spine, and I feel my throat get tight. If you watch me, you may see me get very quiet and disengaged. Every once in a while you may see me flinch and close my eyes as the fear intensifies. I try to self-talk myself out of it, but sometimes it doesn't work. This time, I got up and went to the bathroom to make sure I didn't have hives. This was defeat. I gave into irrationality. I had none, I was fine, I knew it, but the fear said otherwise.

Right before break I started freaking out thinking about eternity quite a few times. I would go to sleep and thing how another day was ending and my life was ticking by and then I was going to die. The day I went home I had a panic attack off mexican food. Something was wrong. This was far too frequent. I started wondering if I could see someone. Over break I'd say I had 3-5 panic attacks.

The past few days have been tough. I've had about 2 or 3 attacks over food. All I could think about was eternity. It felt strange, like my life was worthless and didn't matter cause in the end that was there. Not suicidal sort of feeling, more something I can't explain, but it was strange. I made my decision. I need help.

I went to the counseling center today. As I sat there filling out the paperwork I began to cry. I have fought since I was 13 to not be in therpay. I battled depression my whole life and finally kicked it around 17. My psychiatrist says I could/will relapse, but I don't think so. The second it rears its head I'm gonna kick it in the face. The anxiety though, that was never properly dealt with. Just pacified with meds. I couldn't belive I was here again. Filling out this paperwork, having to do this. I shouldn't have to do this. I should be free. Why can't I just be free? I walked into the couselors room and I saw the couch, the familiar set up, and it brought me back to the suite in Eastlake where I spent time in varying frequencies for 6 years. I broke down. I didn't want to be there, but I knew I had to be. I knew there was no other alternative. As much as I hate it, I need help. I don't want to ask my mom to check with insurance for care and have to tell her, no I'm not better yet. No, I am bad again. I have to go back in a week to see if I need meds. I don't want them. I feel like it won't be me beating it, but the meds. I don't want to feel weak and vulnerable. I am ok with taking xanax before the session so I can discuss eternity without freaking out. If that's what it takes... I just want to be free, I just want to be normal. In the past day I feel I have been better.

Why am I laying this out? This is the secret I have been hiding. I am a victim of panic attacks. I have lived as a captor of fear for 5 years, but no more. No more. I can't live in this stagnant place for the rest of my life. I beat depression. I beat it. I can beat this. I don't know how long it will take, but I am going to beat it. I am GOING to beat it. This is the beginning of the end of my imprisionment. I will get better. I need to try new foods in places I feel safe which may not mean the dining hall. I need to prove to myself that I am stronger.

I am afraid of what you all will think of me. I know how stupid I sound. I know no one understands. I feel completley alone in this, and I have been alone in it. I have been made fun of and made to feel like an utter piece of crap and a burden because of it. Maybe I have been a burden, I understand how annoying it can be to be restriced in dining locations. I am afraid that you all will think I am unstable, crazy, that the person who's opinion I care about most will think I have less worth, that I am faulty because of this, that because of it I am undesirable. But I need support. I need understanding. I need someone to say, Aimee you are stronger than this. You can beat this. I need prayer, but most of all I just need to get better.

In Sights from C.S. Lewis

So I'm reading this book by C.S. Lewis called Mere Christianity and after reading this one part I realized something, here is the passage. He is talking about spiritual life and how we are like statues or paintings of God and that statues don't have life (like we don't yet have spiritual life). I don't think I'm setting it up well, but here is the passage:

"A man who changed from bios (physical life) to having zoe (spiritual life) would have gone through as big a change as a statue which changed from being carved stone to being a real man. And that is precisely what Christianity is about. This world is a great sculptor's shop. We are the statues and there is a rumor going round the shop that some of us are some day going to come to life."

Okay, remember in the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (Also by C.S. Lewis) how the witch (who is satan) turned all her prisoners (which is us) into stone but then Aslan (jesus) comes and breathes (like the breath of life) onto them and they come back to life? How much cooler is this looking at it from this perspective??? I just thought that was awesome. That is all.

I'm in Love with Someone

and that someone is God. I was thinking today about Christianity and what it really means. See I don't believe that its about being the best person we can be or campaigning against abortion and gay marriage. It's not about calling other people sinners or even about evangelizing. It's not about going to church and reading your bible everyday, or praying for everyone under the sun. It's about having a relationship with God. For years I rebelled against Christianity because I misunderstood it. I thought I would be boring, that I couldn't do anything fun. I thought God was a sadist. I tried to say he didn't exist. I think many people think that just because I was raised in a Christian home that I just accepted what my parents taught me. Yes, it is true that I was lucky to be introduced to Christianity and thus because of this was given an oppurtunity to go to camp Burton. A place that played a great role in my quest for truth. Without it, I don't know where I would be. But is also true that psychologists figure from twin studies that our home life has a 0-10nfluence on who we are. And from other studies, the fact of going to church as a child had very little bearning in the importance of religion in one's life as an adult. Furthermore, I am the only one in my family as outwardly religious as I am. My sisiter is a Christian, but I'd day I'm the most vocal about it. Furthermore my brother thinks I am a loon.

The fact is this: I did not one day decide that I should be Christian. What happened was that I fell in love with God. Just as we fall in love with people, I fell in love with God. And it was out of that love that I gave my life to him, and he began to change me. Many of you who knew me four or five years ago and are now coming back into contact with me via myspace may be greatly suprised by the difference in me. I rarely swear, I don't drink, I don't make out with anyone, infact am commited to purity, I don't smoke pot or cigarettes, I am much nicer to people, am less selfish. I've changed a lot. And some of it wa due to growing up, some of it was due to coming out of depression, but God changed me. He grabbed my heart on the last night of my last year of camp and said, "You haven't given your life to me." and so I gave it. I have never been so happy in my life. This year has been really hard. Romantic dissapointments, deaths everywhere I turn, fights with friends, it's been stressful, but I got through it without cutting myself or doing anything else I used to do to cope. I did it by blessing God's name and trusting in him. By prayer. My point is that I spread the word of God not becuase I want everyone to agree with me, but because I believe it is the truth, and I have a story that convices me that God is real. I won't say it on here cause it is deeply personal, but if you want to know inquire and I will tell you. It is from this experience and my readings of historical, philosophical and scienctific, that's right, I said scientific evidence that all points to a creator, and not jsut some agnostic creator, but my God, my love, Jesus Christ. My evengelism stems from my extreme compassion and love for others. I want everyone to feel the most pure, full and satisfying love I've ever felt. Christianity is not a religion, it is a relationship, and it is through that relationship that I live my life.

God died for us because he wanted us to be able to enter into a relationship with him. There was a debt on all of us. We are all sinners and have all fallen short. We all are deserving of hell. God does not send people to hell, they send themselves. God is a just God, there was nothing else he could do. So he gave his son who was perfect to take on the debt of us all. It was through this that we were freed from the law. We were given a pardon.

Ginnie read a story at camp. There was a man set to be executed. He was given a pardon right before he was to be executed. He declined it. They executed him. Later they were wondering was he pardoned the moment it was offered or was he pardoned only when he accepted it. They decided that he was pardoned the moment he accepted it. So it is with us. We all have a pardon called in for us, but we have to accept that, and we do that by professing that Jesus is our Lord and savior and asking him to come into out hearts.

Some of you may think I am a loon. Think how can I love something I've never seen or touched. How can I be so sure? How can someone love a God they've never heard?

I can love God because I have felt him. Numerous times God has spoken to me. It's not audible. It's usually in emotions. Almost an inclination but stronger. Well was I imagining it? The instance that convices me cannot be my imaginiation. It is impossible. Further more there is a bit of agreeance on what its like when God is talking to you. I hear it explaind quite similar to what I feel. Further more apologetics back it up. Some people have never felt or heard God. I didn't for years. I believe if you honeslty and earnestly pray to hear his voice, you will hear it. For years I demanded that God come and speak to me, but it wasn't until I asked him to out of pure want for truth and a relationship that he finally called to me loud and clear. It wasn't a huge explosive thing, but it was enough for me to just know. I've seen the Lord call and chance people that seemed unreachable. It can happen.

I am here to discuss God with anyone. I can take anyone to church. I can lend books. I can be a friend. I just felt lead to write this. Go ahead ask me. Ask me.

Divorce

So this has been on my mind all day, or really just since the sermon at church was about parenting. At camp I was dismayed at the amount of kids that come from broken homes. Never knowing their fathers, drug addicted mothers, abusive or just simply divorced parents. Now, my parents are still married, and they don't necessarily get along that well, and we're the best parents, but they are still married and never beat me or anything. Yes, I remember beeing hit a few times, but I wouldn't say that my parents hit me. Anyway here is my point, and I warn you, that this may become somewhat of a rant, but more my thoughts on a subject and in a way a pleading warning.

The divorce rate in this country is very high. I won't deny that, but why it is this way? Because divorce is more acceptable? Partly. Becuase marriage can't work? No. Here are my thoughts. I think the number one reason people get divorced is because they marry someone who is not right for them in the first place. It all comes down to compatibility. In the past three years I have adopted the philosophy that I will not and cannot date someone that I couldn't ultimatley marry. This means figuring out the things that are most important to us. A book and can't remember the full title suggested that you write a list of 10 things your husband/wife must have and 10 things that would be deal breakers. So I did this. Some examples are that they must have a relationship with Christ, like cats, like to learn.... and some can't haves are like no drugs, stubborness/cynicism. I can't tell them all cause then some boy will pretend to be all of them. :P Anyway, I know that if I did date someone outside this criteria that it could only end in heart break. If you don't want to marry someone who you will be imcompatible with learn to let go of people instread of letting go of your needs. Basically if you don't want t end up in an unhappy marriage then figure out what is important to you and don't settle for someone that doesn't meet the things that really matter. One way we can do this is to take time in our dating relationships. I truly believe that you never see a person's true colors until you have known them for a few years and in a variety of situations. Personally I like to be friends with anyone before I even consider dating them. Preferbly at least a few months, and then ease into an open casual dating relationship for at least 3 months, and then ease into "going steady". From that point I think you should date atleast a year and a half, but more preferbly 2, and then if all still going well after careful consideration get engaged and be engaged for a year before marrying. I want to make sure someone is right for me before I enter into marriage. There was one time in paticular where I thought a month was long enough to know someone before diving head first into a relationship. Turns out three months in I was horrified to learn what kind of a person he truly was, but by this time I as trapped and it took me 3-4 months more to finally get out.

A second reason I feel the divorce rate is so high is that people don't beleive marriage is a lifetime commitement anymore so they take it more lightly than we should. In an age where pre-nups are so popular it just says that we are expecting the relationship to fail. If you expect to be in marriage for life why would we need a pre-nup? We beleive we can jsut get a divorce if things don't work out. I think most people expect that divorce is inevitable. Marriage is no longer the sacred life long commitment it once was. I personally do not believe in divorce except in the event of infidelity or abuse. However if my husband, God forbid was unfiathful to me I would still work on the marriage. I do beleive that divorced people who got divorced for a reason other than those and remarry are commiting adultery.

Lastly the divorce rate is so high because people have this delusion that marriage is going to be easy, and fun and no work at all. I have news for people. Relationships are hard work. Any type, friendships, family, but especially romantic relationships. Marriage is especially hard. People go through hard times in their marriages and just give up. No one wants to work at. A psychological study found that most couple who said they were unhappy in their marriage when asked five years later said they were very happy in their marriages. It will have its ups and downs and we can't bail out the moment it gets a little hard. We have to work at it.

This brings me to the whole point of my thoughts. Our decisions in life not only affect us but also our children. Don't enter into marriage lightly not only for your happiness but so that your child can not live in a broken home. Think of your future families when making these desicions. It breaks my heart how so many kids come from broken homes, never knew a parent. Please for the sake of our children watch what you are doing. Give into what you need and not what you want, and above all consult God on all things. His way really is the best, even if it's not the funnest way.

The Disrespect of Women

I had a strange dream last night. I drempt that I was starting this organization called People For a Decrease in Violence Against Women. I was talking about shutting down porn, strip clubs, getting hip hop artists to stop making such degrading videos and rapping about "hos", battling rape myths, eduacting about violence and women and what perpetuates it. In my dream I was really starting this organization, and I woke up wondering if one day I really could. Now this is the part where I start ranting. I warned you, don't complain. Elston, if you liked my abortion blog, get your girlfriend and gather round.

Last night I was watching MTV one of the few times it has something intelligent on it. There was a documentry on women in hip hop videos. Now, I have long been peturbed by the way the hip hop community potrays women, and if you want to go further into it, african americans, but let's stick with women for now. The program talked to current and former video models. One of the models described her experience, and has written a book that would be interesting to read. It was called "Confessions of a Video Vixen". She said that in her video model days she was passed around to all the men as a human blow up doll. She described how low self-esteem allowed her to do this to herself. Some of the rappers (I think they were rappers, I don't know all the hip hop artists) were talking about how they kept some girls aroudn jsut in case someone got "hot". Turns out this world is worse that I thought. The girls in these videos are there simply to oogle at. They are scantily clad with no rhyme or reason other than for guys to get off. They have beer poured on them, money put in their g-strings and credit cards slid throught their butt-cracks. These women are images of living pornography pornography is defined as a sexually explicit image intended to be sexually arousing) Now these girls are not naked, but near so. my point is this, they are perpetuating women being looked at as sex objects and that attitude is clearly demonstrated by the way the video models are treated on these shoots. Many of the girls talked about recieving money, cars, gifts, bills paid in exchange for "services", some girls did this soley for that. It is high glamour prostitution. But my main qualm is not only with hip hop videos, but pornography is general. I've had a lot of exposure to talking about porn in the past year and a half. From it beginning with having a boyfriend who failed to mention a little problem with porn, to the event of porn nation coming to Western that I described in an earlier blog, to talking about rape myths and the effects of porn in my school books. I will say it right now that I absolutley hate porn, and I am biased, but even so. I beleive that I am justified. Pornography destroys women. it potrats women as here only to service men. My social psych class talked about how porn potrays women as subservient, wanting to be conquered. It shows women as weak and initially resisiting, but then giving in, having sex and liking it, as creatures that want sex, sex, sex, and have nothing else to them. This leads men to create a beleif, no matter how unconsious that no means yes, and that any woman who is raped will end up enjoying it, they may even want to be raped. This can be exemplified in one comment an ex-boyfriend said to me that I have never forgotten, "If a girl gets raped, she should just enjoy it." There is this notion out there demonstrated by surveys that women will enjoy sex even if they are being forced. I know, it's shocking, but this is what we call a rape myth. they exisit. Things like "If a woman is dressed provocativley, she deserves what she got" this is even used in court room settings by defense. Other rape myths include, "If she initially agrees she can't back out, you can't be raped by your husband or aquantinces, rapes happen in alley ways." Porn can desensitize men to violence against women, lead them to think that women are more sexual than they really are, want to be coerced, and scores of other things. So how can be stop violence against women? I really think that pornography can stop potraying women as sexual beings and start potraying them as human beings. I don't understand girls wanting to be playboy bunnies. I can understand wanting to feel sexy and desirable, I feel that often too, but I don't have to disrespect myself to do it. If you dress like a whore, you WILL be treated like one. At no time when I was younger and dressed more provocatively did I have an honest guy come hit on me, no it was always the guy that wanted to get in my pants. I may not get hit on as frequently anymore, but at least I know that if a guy does express interest, it's not because my boobs are in his face. We can educate about rape myths, we can encourage rappers to stop rapping about hos and sex, and to stop using these video girls as whores and such. Even female artists like britney spears, christina aguilera and Jessica Simpson need to top dressing skanky and realize that even though no one is spraying beer on them, they are still being seen as T and A and not a person. Just because you aren't having money stuck in your g-string doesn't mean you are not seen as a sexual object. Until these things go away we will not help women become equal with men, but stay in a state where we are stuck in "the eternal position". Please women, I urge you, do not let your friends refer to women as "pussies" or "hos", or even as "chicks". Do not let men expect sex out of you. Don't sell yourself short. Pay attention to what you wear. Let's respect ourselves, so that other people respect us. and men, no means no, I don't care if she's naked and you were two inches from penetrating, if you hear no, you stop. If you don't it is rape, I don't care if she is your wife. Don't reward artists like nelly and 50 cent, don't reward objetification of women. Don't reward movies like "wedding crashers". Please, for your sisters, daughters, mothers, we are not sex objects, please stop seeing us so.

Abortion

There is a large demonstration going on with pictures of aborted fetuses that make me want to puke. They are pushing the idea that abortion is genocide. I personally believe abortion is murder and should only be done when the mother's life is in danger. I don't, however think this view is correlated causally with being a Christain. I think the passage Christians use to support abortion being a sin is in Jeremiah where it says God knew us before we were made, before we were formed, knew us in the womb, something like that. Okay, I guess that would biblically say that a fetus is living and that aborting it is murder, but aside from that note, being against abortion does not mean you are a Christain and being a Christian does not make you anti-abortion. I just think that a fetus has the potential to become a breathing. living being outside the womb (a fetus, can live with much medical assistance after 22 weeks), and one could argue that well birth control or absitenence were murder because you are eliminating potentials. One girl was holdng a sign that said "Ejaculation is murder." I don't agree with this because you could go into infinity with potentials and secondly sperm by itself cannot make a baby. Once the sperm and the egg come together (conception) then it has the possibility of becoming a real, no bones about it human being. Birth control prevents conception just as abstinence, so therefore, murder cannot happen until conception occurs. Anyway, I don't understand how someone cannot see abortion, especially after the first trimester not as muder. When you can see formation, how is it not murder? I remember the days I was pro-choice. In the 2000 election everyone said if Bush won we would have abortion illegal. I was afraid because I thought "What if I needed to have one?" It was a selfish. If you don't want a baby, don't have sex, or use a condom paired with birth control pills. Get your tubes tied, something. Although she is really dumb, Trishelle from the real world said during a pregnancy scare something very good, "It's not the baby's fault that I was irresponsible." It's not their fault. Take repsonsibilty and the consequences of your own actions. You can't abort other problems, don't think you can abort a life YOU created. Now if cases of rape and incest: again its not the baby's fault. These are horrible situations but THERE IS ALWAYS ADOPTION. I remember in my pro-choice days I also used to think that I would abort a baby out of wedlock becuase it wouldn't be good for the baby to grow up without a dad, or if it was retarted because that wouldn't be a life. I am now of the sound mind that any life is good life. How do I know that a retarted person hates their life? How do I know dying is better than living? So even if they were born unwanted or with medical complications, any life is a good life, and it is still murder. Also, some say people will die from illegal abortions. This pales in comparison to the number of babies dying THROUGH abortion. Also, there is always adoption, the moring after pill, contraceptives and abstinence. If they are dumb enough to stick a clothes hanger up their vagina, I'm sorry, but they get the consequences of their own actions. If they have no money...it is free to give a child up for adoption. Maybe the answer is a charity to help young, poor mothers with hopital bills, but there is no excuse for leaving a baby in a trash can or for back alley abortions, but the truth of the matter is that these are small percentages, there will always be the extreme case.

Now the thing that really pisses me off. At the same time they have these "REPENT SINNERS!" people who are always here. They infuriate me. As a Christian I am embarressed by them. Do they think they will reach people like this? Do they think they are giving Jesus a good name? No, they are making us look like bigoted, self-righteous people. They need to understand that they too are sinners. "Let he who is without sin throw the first stone." - Jesus. We are not to judge, it is God, and God alone's business to judge and change others. Our job is to love. "Why do you look at the speck in your neighbor's eye, and ignore the plank is your own eye?" - Jesus. "Do not judge or you will be judged" "The same ruler you use to judge others will be used against you." We shouldn't be "scaring" people into accepting Christ. Being obedient is not and should not be about getting out of Hell, but about doing what God wants because you love him and trust him enough to know what is best for you. Sin is not about rules and regulations. There is no law, but there are reccomendations and sin is between you and God. These people are not high and mighty and have no right to tell others to repent. God is the one that needs to convict hearts, we just have to show them who God is.

I saw one sign I appreciated: One girl with two friends stood with a sign that read "As a Christian I apologize for all of this." I wish more would step up like her. Why aren't I? I don't know. I have homework, I'm a coward, I don't what to say. Whatever you want to attribute it to. I want to go up to the repent sinners people and say "You're not helping" but it would be rage filled, and I think there's a point where all I can do is pray and let it go.