Love

I feel like I have far too much love to give. I was at work today with the foster kids I work with. I realize that even though I have worked there for only a month, I really do love all those kids. I have this extreme need to show them the love they haven't received. I want to take them in my arms and cradle them. I want to tell them they are safe. I want to protect them. I find more and more I have this mother hen streak in me. One of the kids has a problems with "accidents" so he has to wear pull ups. We went swimming today and we didn't have a swim pull up, so he couldn't swim. Another older kid told him that he just needed to work on his "problem" and what was he gonna do when he got older and wanted a girlfriend. I told him to stop scolding him because that "problem" couldn't really be helped. More so, it touched a nerve in me. Not to long ago, one of my friends said I could never go to France because I wouldn't be able to eat. That really hurt me. It was saying to me, that I had control over my struggle, and that I could turn it off if I wanted to, but chose not to. I felt like this is what the older kid was saying to the other. That he could stop having accidents if he wanted, and it made me feel very protective because I could see the shame in his face. Maybe it's because I feel I didn't have anyone to protect me, so I feel I must protect others. Before we went to the pool we stopped at a playground at the high school I went to. Two college girls were sitting on the ground, and as we passed I smelled cigarette smoke. I wanted to yell at them for doing that in a public place where children go. Later as we got gas some guy came up blasting rap music and that made me mad that he was blasting music that was most likely inappropriate where children could hear. I suppose since I had so many bad things happen to me as a child and I lived in such a gray world of sin, I want to protect these kids so that they don't have to grow up like that. I long to protect all children and people from Satan. I feel I would give my very life to free the lost. I am afraid of death, but if a gunman came into my work and threatened those kids, I know I would protect them with all I had. I feel like the mother of the world, wanting to take away everyone's pain and protect them. Perhaps I am too compassionate for my own good. I guess I just have too much love to give.