So I was reading Hebrews last week and I came across this passage that confuses me. This is what is says:
"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace."
-Hebrews 6:4-6
So what does this mean? Does this mean you can lose your salvation? I was always one who believed that you could repent of anything, except the unforgivable sin Jesus mentions which I read to be blaspheming against the Holy Spirit. I always thought no matter how far you fell, that God would be there to take you back again. This passage makes it seem that that is not so, that you CAN lose your salvation. If you can, what is "falling away", how far must you fall, is it only those who apostate, or do those who have doubt issues also fall under this stipulation. The idea that Salvation can be lost does frighten me. I wonder if my "I hate God" phase counted, but then I don't believe I was saved before that, so therefore I hadn't tasted the glory of heaven or all that other stuff. Still, I'm not sure if I'm interpreting this right. I hope its not saying what i think it is, but really I just want to know the truth of God. Any input?
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Foster Families
Foster kids: They've had a rough go. They have either been abused or they have a family they can't depend on. Already my heart goes out to them. So young and so broken already. Foster homes are supposed to be a safe place where they can get love, support and where they can heal. Unfortunately some people make things worse. So I work with foster kids. The other day we got a new kid. His profile looked great. No problems with lying, no problems with swearing or stealing, so why did the foster home want to get rid of him? Cause he wet the bed! So what? Kids wet the bed, and just because you can get rid of him, you will? That's the way you treat an animal that pees all over the place, not a sweet little boy! If you want to take on the roll of a foster parent, you can't expect the perfect child. In fact, if bed wetting is the only problem, you do have a near perfect child. So if that isn't enough to give me such indignance, I just heard on the news that this guy who had foster girls in his home sexually abused them and exposed them to alcohol. These girls have already had a hard life and this jerk had to give them more trauma??? Makes me so freaking pissed off, I just want to to take care of all of the children in foster care myself. I know that even one I took in could be saved from a potentially bad environment. We really need to watch who we let become foster parents. More decent people need to do it, so the government can be more selective. I pray for all these children. It makes me so freaking mad!!!
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The Beginning of the end (written 1/12/07)
This blog will be heavy. I have a confession to make to all of you. I have lied to all of you in some fashion. I didn't realize until now that it was quite a lie, and I do apologize, but let me explain.
Since I was a child, I have been petrified of dying. I wouldn't let anyone say the word around me. Similarily the idea of eternity, the concept of it never ending has frightened me so bad from childhood that to this day I can not think of it in such depth without having an all out crying, feeling faint panic attack.
Junior year of highschool Dustin Rakestraw, a fellow classmate was killed by a gun. Shot in the head accidently. I went to his funeral, I saw his body, and the image haunted me. Suddenly I was rendered helpless to fear. I had never been too afraid of my allergy. I ate things without looking to see what was in them, I didn't even carry an epi-pen. All of a sudden I couldn't eat anything. I was afraid I would be allergic to it, even if I'd eaten it a million times. Having a boyfriend who's family cooked all chinese food didn't help. I couldn't eat. I had frequent panic attacks.
I lost 9 pounds.....
I was afraid of getting accidently poisoned. I hated being near chemicals, I hated touching surfaces windex had just been on. I washed my hands constantly.
I hit rock bottom. I had eaten chicken strips I'd brought home from a resturant (food I'd had a million times). I didn't finish them at the resturant cause I saw an old woman who was moving very slowly. My cat has died mysteriously the same week and had moved very slowly because he was so sick. The greif made me ill, and so I took them home, but when I went to eat them, I thought they "smelled funny" so I had a panic attack, my throat felt tight, I was convinced it was closing. My parents drove me to the hospital. When I got there they saw I was just fine. The doctor figured out it was a panic attack and offered my xanax. I declined, but I went back to my psychiatrist and went on the meds I had taken for the depression I had already beat. Apparently it treated OCD as well. I hated going back on the meds, but I didn't know what else to do.
I got well enough to eat again, but I panic attacks were still a part of my life. I got better over the course of a year, but not to the way I was before. In May of 2005 I went off the meds and stopped seeing my psychiatrist. I was doing so much better. I came up here and I survived in the dining hall which is very hard with someone with allergies. However here is where the lying comes in. I have to this day not been able to try new foods. I am still apprehensive. I don't not like fish. I in reality haven't had much. I'm afraid I'm allergic to seafood. I don't not like chinese food. While it is true I didn't like the few things I tried at my ex-boyfriend's house, I really haven't had a lot, but it really scares me. I am picky, but I am also scared to try new places. This is why I get pasta with no sauce, why I won't take food offered to me, why I order the same thing at resturants. I am scared. I am sorry, I realize that these were lies. I didn't see them as lies when I told them, but they weren't whole truths. I am sorry.
I thought I was doing better, and I was. But last quarter I fell again. I had my first big panic attack at fall retreat. Right next to Jeff, Woody and Nate and they didn't even know. I don't eat lasagna cause I know people can put allergens in it. I can't believe someone if they say no, it has nothing in it. So I just had salad and bread (probably saying I wasn't hungry, another lie, and I'm sorry) The bread had brown stuff on it that I thought was cinnamon, but it tasted nothing like that, so I freaked out wondering what it was.
I'm good at hiding panic attacks. The fear creeps up my spine, and I feel my throat get tight. If you watch me, you may see me get very quiet and disengaged. Every once in a while you may see me flinch and close my eyes as the fear intensifies. I try to self-talk myself out of it, but sometimes it doesn't work. This time, I got up and went to the bathroom to make sure I didn't have hives. This was defeat. I gave into irrationality. I had none, I was fine, I knew it, but the fear said otherwise.
Right before break I started freaking out thinking about eternity quite a few times. I would go to sleep and thing how another day was ending and my life was ticking by and then I was going to die. The day I went home I had a panic attack off mexican food. Something was wrong. This was far too frequent. I started wondering if I could see someone. Over break I'd say I had 3-5 panic attacks.
The past few days have been tough. I've had about 2 or 3 attacks over food. All I could think about was eternity. It felt strange, like my life was worthless and didn't matter cause in the end that was there. Not suicidal sort of feeling, more something I can't explain, but it was strange. I made my decision. I need help.
I went to the counseling center today. As I sat there filling out the paperwork I began to cry. I have fought since I was 13 to not be in therpay. I battled depression my whole life and finally kicked it around 17. My psychiatrist says I could/will relapse, but I don't think so. The second it rears its head I'm gonna kick it in the face. The anxiety though, that was never properly dealt with. Just pacified with meds. I couldn't belive I was here again. Filling out this paperwork, having to do this. I shouldn't have to do this. I should be free. Why can't I just be free? I walked into the couselors room and I saw the couch, the familiar set up, and it brought me back to the suite in Eastlake where I spent time in varying frequencies for 6 years. I broke down. I didn't want to be there, but I knew I had to be. I knew there was no other alternative. As much as I hate it, I need help. I don't want to ask my mom to check with insurance for care and have to tell her, no I'm not better yet. No, I am bad again. I have to go back in a week to see if I need meds. I don't want them. I feel like it won't be me beating it, but the meds. I don't want to feel weak and vulnerable. I am ok with taking xanax before the session so I can discuss eternity without freaking out. If that's what it takes... I just want to be free, I just want to be normal. In the past day I feel I have been better.
Why am I laying this out? This is the secret I have been hiding. I am a victim of panic attacks. I have lived as a captor of fear for 5 years, but no more. No more. I can't live in this stagnant place for the rest of my life. I beat depression. I beat it. I can beat this. I don't know how long it will take, but I am going to beat it. I am GOING to beat it. This is the beginning of the end of my imprisionment. I will get better. I need to try new foods in places I feel safe which may not mean the dining hall. I need to prove to myself that I am stronger.
I am afraid of what you all will think of me. I know how stupid I sound. I know no one understands. I feel completley alone in this, and I have been alone in it. I have been made fun of and made to feel like an utter piece of crap and a burden because of it. Maybe I have been a burden, I understand how annoying it can be to be restriced in dining locations. I am afraid that you all will think I am unstable, crazy, that the person who's opinion I care about most will think I have less worth, that I am faulty because of this, that because of it I am undesirable. But I need support. I need understanding. I need someone to say, Aimee you are stronger than this. You can beat this. I need prayer, but most of all I just need to get better.
Since I was a child, I have been petrified of dying. I wouldn't let anyone say the word around me. Similarily the idea of eternity, the concept of it never ending has frightened me so bad from childhood that to this day I can not think of it in such depth without having an all out crying, feeling faint panic attack.
Junior year of highschool Dustin Rakestraw, a fellow classmate was killed by a gun. Shot in the head accidently. I went to his funeral, I saw his body, and the image haunted me. Suddenly I was rendered helpless to fear. I had never been too afraid of my allergy. I ate things without looking to see what was in them, I didn't even carry an epi-pen. All of a sudden I couldn't eat anything. I was afraid I would be allergic to it, even if I'd eaten it a million times. Having a boyfriend who's family cooked all chinese food didn't help. I couldn't eat. I had frequent panic attacks.
I lost 9 pounds.....
I was afraid of getting accidently poisoned. I hated being near chemicals, I hated touching surfaces windex had just been on. I washed my hands constantly.
I hit rock bottom. I had eaten chicken strips I'd brought home from a resturant (food I'd had a million times). I didn't finish them at the resturant cause I saw an old woman who was moving very slowly. My cat has died mysteriously the same week and had moved very slowly because he was so sick. The greif made me ill, and so I took them home, but when I went to eat them, I thought they "smelled funny" so I had a panic attack, my throat felt tight, I was convinced it was closing. My parents drove me to the hospital. When I got there they saw I was just fine. The doctor figured out it was a panic attack and offered my xanax. I declined, but I went back to my psychiatrist and went on the meds I had taken for the depression I had already beat. Apparently it treated OCD as well. I hated going back on the meds, but I didn't know what else to do.
I got well enough to eat again, but I panic attacks were still a part of my life. I got better over the course of a year, but not to the way I was before. In May of 2005 I went off the meds and stopped seeing my psychiatrist. I was doing so much better. I came up here and I survived in the dining hall which is very hard with someone with allergies. However here is where the lying comes in. I have to this day not been able to try new foods. I am still apprehensive. I don't not like fish. I in reality haven't had much. I'm afraid I'm allergic to seafood. I don't not like chinese food. While it is true I didn't like the few things I tried at my ex-boyfriend's house, I really haven't had a lot, but it really scares me. I am picky, but I am also scared to try new places. This is why I get pasta with no sauce, why I won't take food offered to me, why I order the same thing at resturants. I am scared. I am sorry, I realize that these were lies. I didn't see them as lies when I told them, but they weren't whole truths. I am sorry.
I thought I was doing better, and I was. But last quarter I fell again. I had my first big panic attack at fall retreat. Right next to Jeff, Woody and Nate and they didn't even know. I don't eat lasagna cause I know people can put allergens in it. I can't believe someone if they say no, it has nothing in it. So I just had salad and bread (probably saying I wasn't hungry, another lie, and I'm sorry) The bread had brown stuff on it that I thought was cinnamon, but it tasted nothing like that, so I freaked out wondering what it was.
I'm good at hiding panic attacks. The fear creeps up my spine, and I feel my throat get tight. If you watch me, you may see me get very quiet and disengaged. Every once in a while you may see me flinch and close my eyes as the fear intensifies. I try to self-talk myself out of it, but sometimes it doesn't work. This time, I got up and went to the bathroom to make sure I didn't have hives. This was defeat. I gave into irrationality. I had none, I was fine, I knew it, but the fear said otherwise.
Right before break I started freaking out thinking about eternity quite a few times. I would go to sleep and thing how another day was ending and my life was ticking by and then I was going to die. The day I went home I had a panic attack off mexican food. Something was wrong. This was far too frequent. I started wondering if I could see someone. Over break I'd say I had 3-5 panic attacks.
The past few days have been tough. I've had about 2 or 3 attacks over food. All I could think about was eternity. It felt strange, like my life was worthless and didn't matter cause in the end that was there. Not suicidal sort of feeling, more something I can't explain, but it was strange. I made my decision. I need help.
I went to the counseling center today. As I sat there filling out the paperwork I began to cry. I have fought since I was 13 to not be in therpay. I battled depression my whole life and finally kicked it around 17. My psychiatrist says I could/will relapse, but I don't think so. The second it rears its head I'm gonna kick it in the face. The anxiety though, that was never properly dealt with. Just pacified with meds. I couldn't belive I was here again. Filling out this paperwork, having to do this. I shouldn't have to do this. I should be free. Why can't I just be free? I walked into the couselors room and I saw the couch, the familiar set up, and it brought me back to the suite in Eastlake where I spent time in varying frequencies for 6 years. I broke down. I didn't want to be there, but I knew I had to be. I knew there was no other alternative. As much as I hate it, I need help. I don't want to ask my mom to check with insurance for care and have to tell her, no I'm not better yet. No, I am bad again. I have to go back in a week to see if I need meds. I don't want them. I feel like it won't be me beating it, but the meds. I don't want to feel weak and vulnerable. I am ok with taking xanax before the session so I can discuss eternity without freaking out. If that's what it takes... I just want to be free, I just want to be normal. In the past day I feel I have been better.
Why am I laying this out? This is the secret I have been hiding. I am a victim of panic attacks. I have lived as a captor of fear for 5 years, but no more. No more. I can't live in this stagnant place for the rest of my life. I beat depression. I beat it. I can beat this. I don't know how long it will take, but I am going to beat it. I am GOING to beat it. This is the beginning of the end of my imprisionment. I will get better. I need to try new foods in places I feel safe which may not mean the dining hall. I need to prove to myself that I am stronger.
I am afraid of what you all will think of me. I know how stupid I sound. I know no one understands. I feel completley alone in this, and I have been alone in it. I have been made fun of and made to feel like an utter piece of crap and a burden because of it. Maybe I have been a burden, I understand how annoying it can be to be restriced in dining locations. I am afraid that you all will think I am unstable, crazy, that the person who's opinion I care about most will think I have less worth, that I am faulty because of this, that because of it I am undesirable. But I need support. I need understanding. I need someone to say, Aimee you are stronger than this. You can beat this. I need prayer, but most of all I just need to get better.
In Sights from C.S. Lewis
So I'm reading this book by C.S. Lewis called Mere Christianity and after reading this one part I realized something, here is the passage. He is talking about spiritual life and how we are like statues or paintings of God and that statues don't have life (like we don't yet have spiritual life). I don't think I'm setting it up well, but here is the passage:
"A man who changed from bios (physical life) to having zoe (spiritual life) would have gone through as big a change as a statue which changed from being carved stone to being a real man. And that is precisely what Christianity is about. This world is a great sculptor's shop. We are the statues and there is a rumor going round the shop that some of us are some day going to come to life."
Okay, remember in the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (Also by C.S. Lewis) how the witch (who is satan) turned all her prisoners (which is us) into stone but then Aslan (jesus) comes and breathes (like the breath of life) onto them and they come back to life? How much cooler is this looking at it from this perspective??? I just thought that was awesome. That is all.
I'm in Love with Someone
and that someone is God. I was thinking today about Christianity and what it really means. See I don't believe that its about being the best person we can be or campaigning against abortion and gay marriage. It's not about calling other people sinners or even about evangelizing. It's not about going to church and reading your bible everyday, or praying for everyone under the sun. It's about having a relationship with God. For years I rebelled against Christianity because I misunderstood it. I thought I would be boring, that I couldn't do anything fun. I thought God was a sadist. I tried to say he didn't exist. I think many people think that just because I was raised in a Christian home that I just accepted what my parents taught me. Yes, it is true that I was lucky to be introduced to Christianity and thus because of this was given an oppurtunity to go to camp Burton. A place that played a great role in my quest for truth. Without it, I don't know where I would be. But is also true that psychologists figure from twin studies that our home life has a 0-10nfluence on who we are. And from other studies, the fact of going to church as a child had very little bearning in the importance of religion in one's life as an adult. Furthermore, I am the only one in my family as outwardly religious as I am. My sisiter is a Christian, but I'd day I'm the most vocal about it. Furthermore my brother thinks I am a loon.
The fact is this: I did not one day decide that I should be Christian. What happened was that I fell in love with God. Just as we fall in love with people, I fell in love with God. And it was out of that love that I gave my life to him, and he began to change me. Many of you who knew me four or five years ago and are now coming back into contact with me via myspace may be greatly suprised by the difference in me. I rarely swear, I don't drink, I don't make out with anyone, infact am commited to purity, I don't smoke pot or cigarettes, I am much nicer to people, am less selfish. I've changed a lot. And some of it wa due to growing up, some of it was due to coming out of depression, but God changed me. He grabbed my heart on the last night of my last year of camp and said, "You haven't given your life to me." and so I gave it. I have never been so happy in my life. This year has been really hard. Romantic dissapointments, deaths everywhere I turn, fights with friends, it's been stressful, but I got through it without cutting myself or doing anything else I used to do to cope. I did it by blessing God's name and trusting in him. By prayer. My point is that I spread the word of God not becuase I want everyone to agree with me, but because I believe it is the truth, and I have a story that convices me that God is real. I won't say it on here cause it is deeply personal, but if you want to know inquire and I will tell you. It is from this experience and my readings of historical, philosophical and scienctific, that's right, I said scientific evidence that all points to a creator, and not jsut some agnostic creator, but my God, my love, Jesus Christ. My evengelism stems from my extreme compassion and love for others. I want everyone to feel the most pure, full and satisfying love I've ever felt. Christianity is not a religion, it is a relationship, and it is through that relationship that I live my life.
God died for us because he wanted us to be able to enter into a relationship with him. There was a debt on all of us. We are all sinners and have all fallen short. We all are deserving of hell. God does not send people to hell, they send themselves. God is a just God, there was nothing else he could do. So he gave his son who was perfect to take on the debt of us all. It was through this that we were freed from the law. We were given a pardon.
Ginnie read a story at camp. There was a man set to be executed. He was given a pardon right before he was to be executed. He declined it. They executed him. Later they were wondering was he pardoned the moment it was offered or was he pardoned only when he accepted it. They decided that he was pardoned the moment he accepted it. So it is with us. We all have a pardon called in for us, but we have to accept that, and we do that by professing that Jesus is our Lord and savior and asking him to come into out hearts.
Some of you may think I am a loon. Think how can I love something I've never seen or touched. How can I be so sure? How can someone love a God they've never heard?
I can love God because I have felt him. Numerous times God has spoken to me. It's not audible. It's usually in emotions. Almost an inclination but stronger. Well was I imagining it? The instance that convices me cannot be my imaginiation. It is impossible. Further more there is a bit of agreeance on what its like when God is talking to you. I hear it explaind quite similar to what I feel. Further more apologetics back it up. Some people have never felt or heard God. I didn't for years. I believe if you honeslty and earnestly pray to hear his voice, you will hear it. For years I demanded that God come and speak to me, but it wasn't until I asked him to out of pure want for truth and a relationship that he finally called to me loud and clear. It wasn't a huge explosive thing, but it was enough for me to just know. I've seen the Lord call and chance people that seemed unreachable. It can happen.
I am here to discuss God with anyone. I can take anyone to church. I can lend books. I can be a friend. I just felt lead to write this. Go ahead ask me. Ask me.
The fact is this: I did not one day decide that I should be Christian. What happened was that I fell in love with God. Just as we fall in love with people, I fell in love with God. And it was out of that love that I gave my life to him, and he began to change me. Many of you who knew me four or five years ago and are now coming back into contact with me via myspace may be greatly suprised by the difference in me. I rarely swear, I don't drink, I don't make out with anyone, infact am commited to purity, I don't smoke pot or cigarettes, I am much nicer to people, am less selfish. I've changed a lot. And some of it wa due to growing up, some of it was due to coming out of depression, but God changed me. He grabbed my heart on the last night of my last year of camp and said, "You haven't given your life to me." and so I gave it. I have never been so happy in my life. This year has been really hard. Romantic dissapointments, deaths everywhere I turn, fights with friends, it's been stressful, but I got through it without cutting myself or doing anything else I used to do to cope. I did it by blessing God's name and trusting in him. By prayer. My point is that I spread the word of God not becuase I want everyone to agree with me, but because I believe it is the truth, and I have a story that convices me that God is real. I won't say it on here cause it is deeply personal, but if you want to know inquire and I will tell you. It is from this experience and my readings of historical, philosophical and scienctific, that's right, I said scientific evidence that all points to a creator, and not jsut some agnostic creator, but my God, my love, Jesus Christ. My evengelism stems from my extreme compassion and love for others. I want everyone to feel the most pure, full and satisfying love I've ever felt. Christianity is not a religion, it is a relationship, and it is through that relationship that I live my life.
God died for us because he wanted us to be able to enter into a relationship with him. There was a debt on all of us. We are all sinners and have all fallen short. We all are deserving of hell. God does not send people to hell, they send themselves. God is a just God, there was nothing else he could do. So he gave his son who was perfect to take on the debt of us all. It was through this that we were freed from the law. We were given a pardon.
Ginnie read a story at camp. There was a man set to be executed. He was given a pardon right before he was to be executed. He declined it. They executed him. Later they were wondering was he pardoned the moment it was offered or was he pardoned only when he accepted it. They decided that he was pardoned the moment he accepted it. So it is with us. We all have a pardon called in for us, but we have to accept that, and we do that by professing that Jesus is our Lord and savior and asking him to come into out hearts.
Some of you may think I am a loon. Think how can I love something I've never seen or touched. How can I be so sure? How can someone love a God they've never heard?
I can love God because I have felt him. Numerous times God has spoken to me. It's not audible. It's usually in emotions. Almost an inclination but stronger. Well was I imagining it? The instance that convices me cannot be my imaginiation. It is impossible. Further more there is a bit of agreeance on what its like when God is talking to you. I hear it explaind quite similar to what I feel. Further more apologetics back it up. Some people have never felt or heard God. I didn't for years. I believe if you honeslty and earnestly pray to hear his voice, you will hear it. For years I demanded that God come and speak to me, but it wasn't until I asked him to out of pure want for truth and a relationship that he finally called to me loud and clear. It wasn't a huge explosive thing, but it was enough for me to just know. I've seen the Lord call and chance people that seemed unreachable. It can happen.
I am here to discuss God with anyone. I can take anyone to church. I can lend books. I can be a friend. I just felt lead to write this. Go ahead ask me. Ask me.
Divorce
So this has been on my mind all day, or really just since the sermon at church was about parenting. At camp I was dismayed at the amount of kids that come from broken homes. Never knowing their fathers, drug addicted mothers, abusive or just simply divorced parents. Now, my parents are still married, and they don't necessarily get along that well, and we're the best parents, but they are still married and never beat me or anything. Yes, I remember beeing hit a few times, but I wouldn't say that my parents hit me. Anyway here is my point, and I warn you, that this may become somewhat of a rant, but more my thoughts on a subject and in a way a pleading warning.
The divorce rate in this country is very high. I won't deny that, but why it is this way? Because divorce is more acceptable? Partly. Becuase marriage can't work? No. Here are my thoughts. I think the number one reason people get divorced is because they marry someone who is not right for them in the first place. It all comes down to compatibility. In the past three years I have adopted the philosophy that I will not and cannot date someone that I couldn't ultimatley marry. This means figuring out the things that are most important to us. A book and can't remember the full title suggested that you write a list of 10 things your husband/wife must have and 10 things that would be deal breakers. So I did this. Some examples are that they must have a relationship with Christ, like cats, like to learn.... and some can't haves are like no drugs, stubborness/cynicism. I can't tell them all cause then some boy will pretend to be all of them. :P Anyway, I know that if I did date someone outside this criteria that it could only end in heart break. If you don't want to marry someone who you will be imcompatible with learn to let go of people instread of letting go of your needs. Basically if you don't want t end up in an unhappy marriage then figure out what is important to you and don't settle for someone that doesn't meet the things that really matter. One way we can do this is to take time in our dating relationships. I truly believe that you never see a person's true colors until you have known them for a few years and in a variety of situations. Personally I like to be friends with anyone before I even consider dating them. Preferbly at least a few months, and then ease into an open casual dating relationship for at least 3 months, and then ease into "going steady". From that point I think you should date atleast a year and a half, but more preferbly 2, and then if all still going well after careful consideration get engaged and be engaged for a year before marrying. I want to make sure someone is right for me before I enter into marriage. There was one time in paticular where I thought a month was long enough to know someone before diving head first into a relationship. Turns out three months in I was horrified to learn what kind of a person he truly was, but by this time I as trapped and it took me 3-4 months more to finally get out.
A second reason I feel the divorce rate is so high is that people don't beleive marriage is a lifetime commitement anymore so they take it more lightly than we should. In an age where pre-nups are so popular it just says that we are expecting the relationship to fail. If you expect to be in marriage for life why would we need a pre-nup? We beleive we can jsut get a divorce if things don't work out. I think most people expect that divorce is inevitable. Marriage is no longer the sacred life long commitment it once was. I personally do not believe in divorce except in the event of infidelity or abuse. However if my husband, God forbid was unfiathful to me I would still work on the marriage. I do beleive that divorced people who got divorced for a reason other than those and remarry are commiting adultery.
Lastly the divorce rate is so high because people have this delusion that marriage is going to be easy, and fun and no work at all. I have news for people. Relationships are hard work. Any type, friendships, family, but especially romantic relationships. Marriage is especially hard. People go through hard times in their marriages and just give up. No one wants to work at. A psychological study found that most couple who said they were unhappy in their marriage when asked five years later said they were very happy in their marriages. It will have its ups and downs and we can't bail out the moment it gets a little hard. We have to work at it.
This brings me to the whole point of my thoughts. Our decisions in life not only affect us but also our children. Don't enter into marriage lightly not only for your happiness but so that your child can not live in a broken home. Think of your future families when making these desicions. It breaks my heart how so many kids come from broken homes, never knew a parent. Please for the sake of our children watch what you are doing. Give into what you need and not what you want, and above all consult God on all things. His way really is the best, even if it's not the funnest way.
The divorce rate in this country is very high. I won't deny that, but why it is this way? Because divorce is more acceptable? Partly. Becuase marriage can't work? No. Here are my thoughts. I think the number one reason people get divorced is because they marry someone who is not right for them in the first place. It all comes down to compatibility. In the past three years I have adopted the philosophy that I will not and cannot date someone that I couldn't ultimatley marry. This means figuring out the things that are most important to us. A book and can't remember the full title suggested that you write a list of 10 things your husband/wife must have and 10 things that would be deal breakers. So I did this. Some examples are that they must have a relationship with Christ, like cats, like to learn.... and some can't haves are like no drugs, stubborness/cynicism. I can't tell them all cause then some boy will pretend to be all of them. :P Anyway, I know that if I did date someone outside this criteria that it could only end in heart break. If you don't want to marry someone who you will be imcompatible with learn to let go of people instread of letting go of your needs. Basically if you don't want t end up in an unhappy marriage then figure out what is important to you and don't settle for someone that doesn't meet the things that really matter. One way we can do this is to take time in our dating relationships. I truly believe that you never see a person's true colors until you have known them for a few years and in a variety of situations. Personally I like to be friends with anyone before I even consider dating them. Preferbly at least a few months, and then ease into an open casual dating relationship for at least 3 months, and then ease into "going steady". From that point I think you should date atleast a year and a half, but more preferbly 2, and then if all still going well after careful consideration get engaged and be engaged for a year before marrying. I want to make sure someone is right for me before I enter into marriage. There was one time in paticular where I thought a month was long enough to know someone before diving head first into a relationship. Turns out three months in I was horrified to learn what kind of a person he truly was, but by this time I as trapped and it took me 3-4 months more to finally get out.
A second reason I feel the divorce rate is so high is that people don't beleive marriage is a lifetime commitement anymore so they take it more lightly than we should. In an age where pre-nups are so popular it just says that we are expecting the relationship to fail. If you expect to be in marriage for life why would we need a pre-nup? We beleive we can jsut get a divorce if things don't work out. I think most people expect that divorce is inevitable. Marriage is no longer the sacred life long commitment it once was. I personally do not believe in divorce except in the event of infidelity or abuse. However if my husband, God forbid was unfiathful to me I would still work on the marriage. I do beleive that divorced people who got divorced for a reason other than those and remarry are commiting adultery.
Lastly the divorce rate is so high because people have this delusion that marriage is going to be easy, and fun and no work at all. I have news for people. Relationships are hard work. Any type, friendships, family, but especially romantic relationships. Marriage is especially hard. People go through hard times in their marriages and just give up. No one wants to work at. A psychological study found that most couple who said they were unhappy in their marriage when asked five years later said they were very happy in their marriages. It will have its ups and downs and we can't bail out the moment it gets a little hard. We have to work at it.
This brings me to the whole point of my thoughts. Our decisions in life not only affect us but also our children. Don't enter into marriage lightly not only for your happiness but so that your child can not live in a broken home. Think of your future families when making these desicions. It breaks my heart how so many kids come from broken homes, never knew a parent. Please for the sake of our children watch what you are doing. Give into what you need and not what you want, and above all consult God on all things. His way really is the best, even if it's not the funnest way.
The Disrespect of Women
I had a strange dream last night. I drempt that I was starting this organization called People For a Decrease in Violence Against Women. I was talking about shutting down porn, strip clubs, getting hip hop artists to stop making such degrading videos and rapping about "hos", battling rape myths, eduacting about violence and women and what perpetuates it. In my dream I was really starting this organization, and I woke up wondering if one day I really could. Now this is the part where I start ranting. I warned you, don't complain. Elston, if you liked my abortion blog, get your girlfriend and gather round.
Last night I was watching MTV one of the few times it has something intelligent on it. There was a documentry on women in hip hop videos. Now, I have long been peturbed by the way the hip hop community potrays women, and if you want to go further into it, african americans, but let's stick with women for now. The program talked to current and former video models. One of the models described her experience, and has written a book that would be interesting to read. It was called "Confessions of a Video Vixen". She said that in her video model days she was passed around to all the men as a human blow up doll. She described how low self-esteem allowed her to do this to herself. Some of the rappers (I think they were rappers, I don't know all the hip hop artists) were talking about how they kept some girls aroudn jsut in case someone got "hot". Turns out this world is worse that I thought. The girls in these videos are there simply to oogle at. They are scantily clad with no rhyme or reason other than for guys to get off. They have beer poured on them, money put in their g-strings and credit cards slid throught their butt-cracks. These women are images of living pornography pornography is defined as a sexually explicit image intended to be sexually arousing) Now these girls are not naked, but near so. my point is this, they are perpetuating women being looked at as sex objects and that attitude is clearly demonstrated by the way the video models are treated on these shoots. Many of the girls talked about recieving money, cars, gifts, bills paid in exchange for "services", some girls did this soley for that. It is high glamour prostitution. But my main qualm is not only with hip hop videos, but pornography is general. I've had a lot of exposure to talking about porn in the past year and a half. From it beginning with having a boyfriend who failed to mention a little problem with porn, to the event of porn nation coming to Western that I described in an earlier blog, to talking about rape myths and the effects of porn in my school books. I will say it right now that I absolutley hate porn, and I am biased, but even so. I beleive that I am justified. Pornography destroys women. it potrats women as here only to service men. My social psych class talked about how porn potrays women as subservient, wanting to be conquered. It shows women as weak and initially resisiting, but then giving in, having sex and liking it, as creatures that want sex, sex, sex, and have nothing else to them. This leads men to create a beleif, no matter how unconsious that no means yes, and that any woman who is raped will end up enjoying it, they may even want to be raped. This can be exemplified in one comment an ex-boyfriend said to me that I have never forgotten, "If a girl gets raped, she should just enjoy it." There is this notion out there demonstrated by surveys that women will enjoy sex even if they are being forced. I know, it's shocking, but this is what we call a rape myth. they exisit. Things like "If a woman is dressed provocativley, she deserves what she got" this is even used in court room settings by defense. Other rape myths include, "If she initially agrees she can't back out, you can't be raped by your husband or aquantinces, rapes happen in alley ways." Porn can desensitize men to violence against women, lead them to think that women are more sexual than they really are, want to be coerced, and scores of other things. So how can be stop violence against women? I really think that pornography can stop potraying women as sexual beings and start potraying them as human beings. I don't understand girls wanting to be playboy bunnies. I can understand wanting to feel sexy and desirable, I feel that often too, but I don't have to disrespect myself to do it. If you dress like a whore, you WILL be treated like one. At no time when I was younger and dressed more provocatively did I have an honest guy come hit on me, no it was always the guy that wanted to get in my pants. I may not get hit on as frequently anymore, but at least I know that if a guy does express interest, it's not because my boobs are in his face. We can educate about rape myths, we can encourage rappers to stop rapping about hos and sex, and to stop using these video girls as whores and such. Even female artists like britney spears, christina aguilera and Jessica Simpson need to top dressing skanky and realize that even though no one is spraying beer on them, they are still being seen as T and A and not a person. Just because you aren't having money stuck in your g-string doesn't mean you are not seen as a sexual object. Until these things go away we will not help women become equal with men, but stay in a state where we are stuck in "the eternal position". Please women, I urge you, do not let your friends refer to women as "pussies" or "hos", or even as "chicks". Do not let men expect sex out of you. Don't sell yourself short. Pay attention to what you wear. Let's respect ourselves, so that other people respect us. and men, no means no, I don't care if she's naked and you were two inches from penetrating, if you hear no, you stop. If you don't it is rape, I don't care if she is your wife. Don't reward artists like nelly and 50 cent, don't reward objetification of women. Don't reward movies like "wedding crashers". Please, for your sisters, daughters, mothers, we are not sex objects, please stop seeing us so.
Last night I was watching MTV one of the few times it has something intelligent on it. There was a documentry on women in hip hop videos. Now, I have long been peturbed by the way the hip hop community potrays women, and if you want to go further into it, african americans, but let's stick with women for now. The program talked to current and former video models. One of the models described her experience, and has written a book that would be interesting to read. It was called "Confessions of a Video Vixen". She said that in her video model days she was passed around to all the men as a human blow up doll. She described how low self-esteem allowed her to do this to herself. Some of the rappers (I think they were rappers, I don't know all the hip hop artists) were talking about how they kept some girls aroudn jsut in case someone got "hot". Turns out this world is worse that I thought. The girls in these videos are there simply to oogle at. They are scantily clad with no rhyme or reason other than for guys to get off. They have beer poured on them, money put in their g-strings and credit cards slid throught their butt-cracks. These women are images of living pornography pornography is defined as a sexually explicit image intended to be sexually arousing) Now these girls are not naked, but near so. my point is this, they are perpetuating women being looked at as sex objects and that attitude is clearly demonstrated by the way the video models are treated on these shoots. Many of the girls talked about recieving money, cars, gifts, bills paid in exchange for "services", some girls did this soley for that. It is high glamour prostitution. But my main qualm is not only with hip hop videos, but pornography is general. I've had a lot of exposure to talking about porn in the past year and a half. From it beginning with having a boyfriend who failed to mention a little problem with porn, to the event of porn nation coming to Western that I described in an earlier blog, to talking about rape myths and the effects of porn in my school books. I will say it right now that I absolutley hate porn, and I am biased, but even so. I beleive that I am justified. Pornography destroys women. it potrats women as here only to service men. My social psych class talked about how porn potrays women as subservient, wanting to be conquered. It shows women as weak and initially resisiting, but then giving in, having sex and liking it, as creatures that want sex, sex, sex, and have nothing else to them. This leads men to create a beleif, no matter how unconsious that no means yes, and that any woman who is raped will end up enjoying it, they may even want to be raped. This can be exemplified in one comment an ex-boyfriend said to me that I have never forgotten, "If a girl gets raped, she should just enjoy it." There is this notion out there demonstrated by surveys that women will enjoy sex even if they are being forced. I know, it's shocking, but this is what we call a rape myth. they exisit. Things like "If a woman is dressed provocativley, she deserves what she got" this is even used in court room settings by defense. Other rape myths include, "If she initially agrees she can't back out, you can't be raped by your husband or aquantinces, rapes happen in alley ways." Porn can desensitize men to violence against women, lead them to think that women are more sexual than they really are, want to be coerced, and scores of other things. So how can be stop violence against women? I really think that pornography can stop potraying women as sexual beings and start potraying them as human beings. I don't understand girls wanting to be playboy bunnies. I can understand wanting to feel sexy and desirable, I feel that often too, but I don't have to disrespect myself to do it. If you dress like a whore, you WILL be treated like one. At no time when I was younger and dressed more provocatively did I have an honest guy come hit on me, no it was always the guy that wanted to get in my pants. I may not get hit on as frequently anymore, but at least I know that if a guy does express interest, it's not because my boobs are in his face. We can educate about rape myths, we can encourage rappers to stop rapping about hos and sex, and to stop using these video girls as whores and such. Even female artists like britney spears, christina aguilera and Jessica Simpson need to top dressing skanky and realize that even though no one is spraying beer on them, they are still being seen as T and A and not a person. Just because you aren't having money stuck in your g-string doesn't mean you are not seen as a sexual object. Until these things go away we will not help women become equal with men, but stay in a state where we are stuck in "the eternal position". Please women, I urge you, do not let your friends refer to women as "pussies" or "hos", or even as "chicks". Do not let men expect sex out of you. Don't sell yourself short. Pay attention to what you wear. Let's respect ourselves, so that other people respect us. and men, no means no, I don't care if she's naked and you were two inches from penetrating, if you hear no, you stop. If you don't it is rape, I don't care if she is your wife. Don't reward artists like nelly and 50 cent, don't reward objetification of women. Don't reward movies like "wedding crashers". Please, for your sisters, daughters, mothers, we are not sex objects, please stop seeing us so.
Abortion
There is a large demonstration going on with pictures of aborted fetuses that make me want to puke. They are pushing the idea that abortion is genocide. I personally believe abortion is murder and should only be done when the mother's life is in danger. I don't, however think this view is correlated causally with being a Christain. I think the passage Christians use to support abortion being a sin is in Jeremiah where it says God knew us before we were made, before we were formed, knew us in the womb, something like that. Okay, I guess that would biblically say that a fetus is living and that aborting it is murder, but aside from that note, being against abortion does not mean you are a Christain and being a Christian does not make you anti-abortion. I just think that a fetus has the potential to become a breathing. living being outside the womb (a fetus, can live with much medical assistance after 22 weeks), and one could argue that well birth control or absitenence were murder because you are eliminating potentials. One girl was holdng a sign that said "Ejaculation is murder." I don't agree with this because you could go into infinity with potentials and secondly sperm by itself cannot make a baby. Once the sperm and the egg come together (conception) then it has the possibility of becoming a real, no bones about it human being. Birth control prevents conception just as abstinence, so therefore, murder cannot happen until conception occurs. Anyway, I don't understand how someone cannot see abortion, especially after the first trimester not as muder. When you can see formation, how is it not murder? I remember the days I was pro-choice. In the 2000 election everyone said if Bush won we would have abortion illegal. I was afraid because I thought "What if I needed to have one?" It was a selfish. If you don't want a baby, don't have sex, or use a condom paired with birth control pills. Get your tubes tied, something. Although she is really dumb, Trishelle from the real world said during a pregnancy scare something very good, "It's not the baby's fault that I was irresponsible." It's not their fault. Take repsonsibilty and the consequences of your own actions. You can't abort other problems, don't think you can abort a life YOU created. Now if cases of rape and incest: again its not the baby's fault. These are horrible situations but THERE IS ALWAYS ADOPTION. I remember in my pro-choice days I also used to think that I would abort a baby out of wedlock becuase it wouldn't be good for the baby to grow up without a dad, or if it was retarted because that wouldn't be a life. I am now of the sound mind that any life is good life. How do I know that a retarted person hates their life? How do I know dying is better than living? So even if they were born unwanted or with medical complications, any life is a good life, and it is still murder. Also, some say people will die from illegal abortions. This pales in comparison to the number of babies dying THROUGH abortion. Also, there is always adoption, the moring after pill, contraceptives and abstinence. If they are dumb enough to stick a clothes hanger up their vagina, I'm sorry, but they get the consequences of their own actions. If they have no money...it is free to give a child up for adoption. Maybe the answer is a charity to help young, poor mothers with hopital bills, but there is no excuse for leaving a baby in a trash can or for back alley abortions, but the truth of the matter is that these are small percentages, there will always be the extreme case.
Now the thing that really pisses me off. At the same time they have these "REPENT SINNERS!" people who are always here. They infuriate me. As a Christian I am embarressed by them. Do they think they will reach people like this? Do they think they are giving Jesus a good name? No, they are making us look like bigoted, self-righteous people. They need to understand that they too are sinners. "Let he who is without sin throw the first stone." - Jesus. We are not to judge, it is God, and God alone's business to judge and change others. Our job is to love. "Why do you look at the speck in your neighbor's eye, and ignore the plank is your own eye?" - Jesus. "Do not judge or you will be judged" "The same ruler you use to judge others will be used against you." We shouldn't be "scaring" people into accepting Christ. Being obedient is not and should not be about getting out of Hell, but about doing what God wants because you love him and trust him enough to know what is best for you. Sin is not about rules and regulations. There is no law, but there are reccomendations and sin is between you and God. These people are not high and mighty and have no right to tell others to repent. God is the one that needs to convict hearts, we just have to show them who God is.
I saw one sign I appreciated: One girl with two friends stood with a sign that read "As a Christian I apologize for all of this." I wish more would step up like her. Why aren't I? I don't know. I have homework, I'm a coward, I don't what to say. Whatever you want to attribute it to. I want to go up to the repent sinners people and say "You're not helping" but it would be rage filled, and I think there's a point where all I can do is pray and let it go.
Porn
So I went to this event called "Porn Nation." Its about what the pornography industry is doing to our culture. Firstly, let me say, I really really hate porn. I would be so glad if the porn HQ was blown to bits (as long as no one was hurt). Porn degrades and destroys women. It gives them this notion that they must give sex to get love and that they are worth nothing if they are not sexually desirable. It tells girls that sex means love, that they are interchangable. It tells guys that they can treat girls like trash, that they can own women, that women are nothing more than boobs and a vagina. It says they can have sex with a woman and discard her with not damage, but the truth is that it is damaging. With every empty sexual act, a woman gives away a little bit more of her self-esteem and respect. Women dress provocativley, but don't realize that if they dress like a skank, they will be treated like a skank. The guys who will give them the real love they are seeking will not be the guys to come calling. They don't understand the importance of sexual purity, modesty and integrity. Porn is damaging to men as well. It pulls them into an unrealistic model of what a real woman does, and when they find out women aren't in the mood every second of the day and don't want to stick penis in their mouths, they are ledt bored, disillusioned. Millions of men struggle with sexual addictions and the reprecusions of giving into the temptations porn so readily administers. Looking at porn is infidelity. Taking your lust into your palm for a woman that is not your wife or significant other is cheating, and is just as painful for the woman, even if you don't already have a sexual relationship with her. Trust me, I know. Oddly enough one of the soundtrack songs was Linkin Park's "Numb". This is the song that I associate with the "numbness" I eventually felt towards my ex-boyfriends porn addiction. Even though we weren't having sex or anything like that at all, he knew how I felt about it, and still did it over and over again. He'd confess to me, and it was always very painful, until after a while I grew numb to it. I expected it, and him saying it once again slid off me. This doesn't mean it didn't hurt anymore. It meant that it hurt too much for me to accept that hurt. Porn destroys women, it destroys men, and it destroys relationships and lives. Porn Sucks.
Tookie Williams
I am apalled at our country. I have lost all respect for Arnold Schwarzengaer (sp?) as a politician. If you guys haven't heard Tookie Williams is a man that is on death row in San Quentin. He's expected to be murdered (I mean executed) shortly after midnight tonight. He was the co-founder of the crips and is convicted of killing 4 people in 1979. Yeah, sounds pretty bad doesn't he? No, he has been spending his time in jail writing books urging children to stay out of gangs. He has been nominated for the nobel peace prize for his work and has touched many young people through his anti-gang advocacy. He also denies he actually killed these people. The evidence against him was based upon jail-house snitch witnessess with thier own things to gain by testifying. The evidence was not slam dunk, and he has changed his life around and still maintains he didn't do it. A request for clemency was put in to Arnold Schwarzenager to spare his life based on his work to stop gangs. Arnold refused, and I was so pissed I cried. By killing this man they are killing so many more children that won't hear his voice of remorse warning them, kill more people through the gangs! This is not justice. The family of the slain say they want to watch Tookie die. How could you ever WANT to watch someone die? Even if someone killed someone close to me I could never watch them be put to death. Where is the mercy? Where is the hope that God can change someone, which he has, and we want to stop his good deeds? Gov. Schwarzenager says that he saw no reason to grant celemency, that Tookie had not turned his life around. That the move was political. Well that is a load of crap. Tookie is an example of what can happen to people. People can change. Screw politics, screw arnold. He just sent a man to death that could be innocent (a lot of people on death row are later found innocent) and sent the youth of our future to death as well. Just thinking about it infuriates me to tears. Where's the mercy? Where is the grace God has given us?
A New Beginning
So Taking a cue from my new Australian Buddy I thought it would be nice to have a blog accessible outside of myspace where all my myspace hating friends could come and read about my wackiness. I will start by posting some old blogs that are things I have ranted about or discussed. This blog will be more of a thoughts blog than a what's up with me blog. For that you'll have to either suck it up and get a myspace, or possibly check the live journal I never update.
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